Blankets, by Craig Thompson, is a good book.

So, my personal religious history.

The earliest memories of religion that I have are being a part of Sunday School at the local Presbyterian church.  I don't know exactly when my participation in it became optional, but it must have been sometime around age 6-7.  None of the things that I learned from it really stuck to me, or came with any sort of significant awareness - to me, it was just a non-optional obligation.  One Sunday morning, I had trouble waking up, and my mother asked me if I was planning on going to Sunday School.  I replied that I wasn't, and the topic was never brought up again.  As far as I know, my parents aren't religious... but we've never really discussed the matter.  I know that they don't attend church, but I really don't have idea on their personal beliefs.  It's just something that we never really talked about; for better or for worse, that lack of direction has been present my entire life.

Fast forward to my Junior year in high school.  A girl that I was interested in gave me a bible for Christmas, and started trying to introduce me to the concept of Christianity.  She even started a school approved Christian group called Edge Club, and convinced me to be one of the first people to join it.  I wanted to be interested, to learn, and to believe as the rest of the group did.  But I didn't.  The inner skeptic that I have simply couldn't believe in any of the claims that she, or her friends, could make.  In addition, I found myself disagreeing more and more with the way the group treated those who disagreed with them.  From my perspective, they were more abusive and hate-filled than a good number of the other people at the school.  If they approached someone to join the group and were turned down, they would harass and berate the person until either a.) the person got sick of it and agreed to go, just to shut them up, b.) the person walked off and left them behind, or c.) someone stepped in to stop it.  This seemed very fundamentally wrong to me, and I tried voicing my concerns several times, but no one really wanted to listen to me.  The core members of the club were a close-knit bunch of friends, and they essentially ran things as they saw fit.  Eventually, I distanced myself from both the group and the girl that I had been interested in.  The rest of the year (and most of the next year) were filled with abuse, further convincing me that I had made the right choice in abandoning something that I couldn't believe in.

My last real experience with an attempt at religious beliefs came in the 2002-2003 timeframe.  There's a long and uninteresting story behind it that, I'm sure, most people don't care about, but the end result is that I ended up very depressed and very sick.  I turned briefly to religion here (which was an odd decision, given that the catalyst for my condition was religious-based), due to a perceived lack of other options.  My commitment was simple and unobtrusive enough - a quick prayer upon waking, one before each meal, and one before going to sleep, all with the concept of being thankful for what I had.  This became a part of my daily life for quite some time.  One day, though, I was in a rush to get through my lunch break at work, and I forgot to pray.  I didn't even realize it until later on that evening, and the realization of such initially threw me into panic.  I had forgotten to pray, and be thankful - did that make me a terrible person?  I had a few days off just after this occurred, and I used that time to take a really introspective look at myself and try to figure out my thoughts and feelings.  Eventually, I decided that I wasn't a terrible person, and I decided that my daily regimen of prayers was entirely unnecessary.  They had stemmed from a feeling of guilt, and a lack of self-worth; I had believed that I wasn't deserving of the things that I had, and I was seeking some form of reassurance that it was okay for me to have them.  At that point, I decided to give that reassurance to myself, rather than waiting for some otherworldly sign.  I wasn't praying out of a belief in God, I was praying out of... ... I don't know.  Fear?  That didn't seem like a good basis for religious beliefs, and so I abandoned my schedule of prayer.

I've looked into the topic of religion several times since then, trying to sort out my own personal thoughts and feelings on the matter.  It's not an easy thing to do, because I'm not the type of person to believe in something without having some sort of evidence of it.  Furthermore, I don't honestly think that I could ever pick a "correct" religion, when there are so many that proclaim their way as being the only correct choice.  Who am I to tell someone that their method of worship is wrong?  Who are they to tell anyone else the same, or differently?  Through the years, my closest friends have all differed tremendously in their religious beliefs, and that didn't matter to any of us; mostly, I think, because we didn't let it matter.  We respected each others' beliefs, and accepted each other for who we were, not what we believed.

So, my personal experiences have led me to a state where I'm more concerned with spiritual beliefs, than following any sort of doctrine.  I don't read the bible, nor any other book of faith, and I don't think I ever will.  I'm okay with that.  Do I believe in some higher power?  ... I really don't know.  I haven't seen any real proof of one; on the other hand, I've seen nothing to make me believe there isn't one.  I've had occurrences in my life that I'm sure some people would label miracles, but I don't call them that.  I've had occurrences in my life that I'm sure some people would label as the end result of an inappropriate lifestyle, but I don't believe in that.  My beliefs are fairly simple.  I try to be the best person I can be, even when it's hard.  I don't steal, I don't intentionally lie to people, and I act out of compassion more than anything.  I have been both treated well and abused by multiple people of different faiths, and that, more than anything, has led me to push away any firm religious beliefs.  I try to make the world, and the people within it, a better place.  In my mind, any entity that would potentially disapprove of that, simply because it wasn't done according to certain tenets and guidelines, isn't worth following and/or worshipping.

I suppose it's possible that this could change in the future.  For now, though, I'm content to live as I am, in terms of my beliefs.  Brandon's quote, above, (possibly) from Marcus Aurelius, is one that I like a lot.  I've enjoyed reading all of the posts so far, and I'm curious to read the ones posted after mine.  Tomorrow's entry will be brought to you by Pendleton.  See you next week.