Stuck in the Middle

So, as you know now after Brandon’s post on Tuesday, I am the middle child of three. In case you can’t remember, Brandon turned twenty in January and Laura will be turning nine in a little over a week.

I would like to make some big statement telling you exactly how being a middle child affected everything, but I really can’t; because I do not know anything else. Brandon mentioned he was interested to see what I had to say about this for a couple reason:

1.      I was a youngest until I was six

2.      I was a middle child until he moved out

3.      I now play the role of oldest while he’s away

Now, I wouldn’t say I agree with those things. While, they did happen, I don’t think I really played those roles.

In all honesty, I don’t have much to say about ever being a younger sibling other than I don’t really remember much of my childhood. I don’t remember anything from before I was five and only snippets from before I was eight. I remember events and random memories, but not an abundance of them. So, as far as being the younger child, I think my brother could tell you better than I could how I acted when that was my role.

And, I don’t really feel like I’ve taken over the eldest role either at this point. I think that went to my grandmother who moved in with us a year and a half ago.

I would say that I definitely think being a middle child affect how I acted and how I set my morals and such. As either of my siblings could tell you, I was a bit of a brat. (I still can be at times) I wouldn’t say this is me exactly defending my actions as much as explaining them.

Being a middle child is… difficult. Now, that’s not to say being a younger or older sibling is any easier, but since I don’t have as much experience there, I can’t say. Growing up in the middle child slot was so affective on me for two main reasons: my siblings. You have to realize this is how I see my parents seeing the three of us:

First we have my brother. Now, in the eyes of my preteen self my brother was something I really couldn’t be. My brother was the responsible, intelligent, and practical older sibling.

Second is my little sister, who for most of my life played the role of little angel to my parents. I felt like maybe, especially during the divorce, they overcompensated with her. They felt bad that we didn’t have to money or the family bond we had when me and my brother were growing up. While, this is true and I think they did the right thing making sure she knew how loved she was, it was a little disheartening to me.

The result of those two influences in my life lead to thoughts like: “Well, if he can pass all his classes and have nice friends, why in the hell can’t you? What’s wrong with you?” and “They love her, they love her so much more than they love you. Can’t you tell?”  Now, remember, I was in that angsty transition from annoying little person to even more annoying teenage person.

I always kind of felt left out because I felt like my parents were just so proud of my brother because of the things he did and they were so proud of my sister because they thought they had to be. While I know that my siblings don’t see my parent’s actions in the same light as me that was just how it felt at the time. I felt like they never noticed me and if I did something great it really didn’t matter. But, of course, if I screwed up it was the end of the world.

This being said, I was known to be a bit obnoxious and rude and stupid. I did those things because I really wasn’t sure if it was worse to be completely ignored or to be yelled at. At this point in time, I really think that I put myself at a disadvantage because I can’t take back any of those stupid things I did. I’ve been told that my entire purpose was to make everyone around me miserable and that kind of killed me inside. I think being ignored would’ve been better.

That’s not to say that I’m not so, so, so thankful for my brother and sister. They taught me great things. I don’t think I’d be who I am without the bar my brother mentioned setting. And my sister has really showed me a lot, and I think she can show me so much more about compassion and helping people as she gets older. I am blessed to have such amazing people around me and I’m really glad I’m a middle child.

With those two things in mind, ways that I think being in the middle affected me:

I am extremely quiet; I’m not known to particularly… anything really. I am really under the radar. I don’t know if that was because I kind of let Brandon and Laura do all the talking or just because I knew it being the center of attention wasn’t always a good thing.

It also made me extremely protective of both my siblings. I don’t think I can imagine anything happening to either of them. I think I’d walk in front of a moving train if it meant keeping them from getting hurt. As well as being protective of my siblings, I’m also extremely protective of the people that I’m close to.

I really like bottling things up because I don't like bothering people with my problems because after getting more in depth with how the things that happened in my family affected the other people involved, I noticed people really couldn't care less sometimes and they shouldn't have to worry about your problems as well.

I take things to heart a lot and I think it’s because of the neighborhood I grew up in as well as being the one in the middle and just being more sensitive then my siblings. I also really try to do right by everybody I know because I just hate hating people, because it never ended well for me with my siblings. Arguing is the reason me and my sister aren't close and my brother and I are only close because he's not here to argue with.

Lastly, I know it helped having a role model and having that high bar to have to rise to. I think it will also make me more conscious about my moves with my future because I know my sister will be watching.

So, that came out a little ramble-y and made a lot less sense then I would have liked, but maybe I’ll get better at this blogging thing. We’ll see.

Hope you guys enjoyed Birth Order Week and can’t wait to see next week’s topic opinions!