Religion with a side of Hello

I was Catholic, now I'm not.

the end.

Well, not really, because religion is something that cannot be simplified. I currently classify myself as Agnostic, but I know that if I could find a way to be religious, I would. My mind, though, when I contemplate religion, cannot find itself changing the way I currently identify. That sounds, perhaps, too technical for something as personal and deep as religion.

And a warning, I tend to write stream of consciousness when I write about myself. Perhaps it's because I do not like writing about myself, or that in some way I really do feel "I was Catholic, now I'm not" sums up everything you need to know. But because the intricraces of my religious life might give some insight on the complexities of religion's place in society, I shall continue. And I shall take this point to say hello, that this is my first time talking to you, and I very much hope it gives you some of the insight you were looking for.

Perhaps it is best to start at the beginning, although little happens until I reach High School. I was raised Catholic, although my family was never the most religious. I went to Church on Sundays and took the required Sunday School classes, but even in my own family, that lead to two separate outcomes.

In High School, I accepted that I was not a religious person, that I did not want to go to Church, that there was no connection there, and that, as I feel now, the organization of the Church held no appeal to me, and actually turned me off through some of their policies. There was no defining event, nothing that said "I shall not believe" and suddenly made me feel like I should not be Catholic. It was slow; I learned over time and came to accept that current way I view the world does not hold a place for organized religion.

My brother, on the other hand, who raised in the same religious situation as I was, turned towards religion and become more religious than I thought he would. He was, too some degree, considering colleges because of religious affiliation, which spoke to me of how much of a Catholic my brother was. The same environment, the only difference that he was born two years earlier than me, but we ended up on different sides of the religious spectrum. I think that speaks to the personal nature of religion, that the degree of belief is a deep examination that a person must make by himself. I cannot say where I will be religiously in ten years; I do not know how my life, my world views will change to accommodate religion. The Catholic Church says that may young adult fall out of faith only to return to it, as if that deviation was just a phase in which one must explore other parts of life.

And then I went to college, stopped going to Church, and call myself an Agnostic who cannot come to terms with the existence of a higher power or not. Perhaps if I can ever decide that, choose to believe fully in some being above us, I could move on to forming a deeper religious conviction around something. And as one who does not know what she believes, who sometimes cannot believe in something above it, I can say it is incredibly lonely. Unlike others who may ask "what do I think my purpose in life is?", I prefer not having an afterlife. I do not want people to think I am in a better place when I die because then what is the point of this life if I can just die and move on to a better one. It makes me feel like everything in this life becomes meaningless. Of course, with Heaven and Hell you could argue differently, but belief is not a rational thing, now is it.

Is anyone really interested in what I have to say about religion? It if makes a difference, I have plans to someday read all the major religious texts in the world - Bible, Qur'an, Buddhist texts, Atheist works, anything I can get my hands on. I believe, at the end of the day, in educating oneself to the fullest on all dimensions of the issue. I cannot always promise that in my posts, as time is a constraining thing, but I think especially for religion, exploring and looking at the way other people see the world is always important, and may help with so many of the conflicts around the world today.

Oh dear, that last paragraph got a little away from me, but I think that belief is part of why I view religion the way I do. That - why is one religion more right that the other? There, after all those paragraphs above, there is why I will probably continue to call myself Agnostic. Probably, but possibly not. I will leave you by saying that as religion is a personal thing, very personal experience could change the way I feel. And I suppose the only way to know is to live it.