Why I Don't Go To Church

- Or In Which Emily Rambles About Religion and May Not Make Sense -

Religion is a difficult topic for me at the moment, because…well I haven’t been to church in roughly 2 ½ years. I still believe in the doctrines of what I was raised in, I just don’t agree with the politics. But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

I am a Christian Scientist. No, that is not the nice way of saying ‘scientology.’ Now that we’ve gotten that out of way…

God has always been something I’ve just believed in. There was no specific moment where I sat down and said, “Well, golly, God must be real,” because he/she was always a real part of my life.  My religion is the reason I’m still really uncomfortable with the use of medication in my life, as up until 2 ½ years ago, I had never really used medications for anything (with the exception of getting my wisdom teeth removed). I relied on prayer for healing, which you can judge in whatever way you want to. All I know is that it worked and still works, even though I don’t rely on it as much anymore.

So why don’t I? Why did I stop going to church? My church is tiny, and shrinking. The board doesn’t handle its politics well. That’s the short answer.

The long answer is this: way before I stopped going to church, my brother got diagnosed with Anxiety. It was a huge ordeal, because, at the same time, my dad was working on his anger management issues. Life in my house was extremely tense. My brother and my father were both working through a Christian Science Practitioner (basically, a teacher who can help direct your prayer and recommend sections of the Bible/Science and Health* to read), but my brother wasn’t getting any better. In fact, he was sort of getting worse.

No, let me be clear here – this was not some sort of crisis of faith for me. In fact, the entire situation just sort of morphed into my existing beliefs and, on the whole, I was fine with that.

The is a little not in the manual (set of basic rule and beliefs upheld by my church) that says, roughly, ‘If prayer is not helping you, do what you can to stay healthy.’ The only thing about that is you cannot continue treatment through prayer if you decide to use medication – which, my parents decided would be best for my brother.

Now, the process of getting a child into a psychiatrist in NOVA is immensely complicated, namely, because there are so few of them. The fact that my brother got into one at all is rather miraculous, and I was accepting of the entire process. My essential belief here is this: if you are not in a mental place to work out something through prayer, God will lead you to something that will help you get better, whether that method is through medication, a doctor’s visit, or otherwise.

Unfortunately, this is not how my church thinks, and though everyone at my particular branch was supportive, Christian Scientists that my dad knew and was friend with began to judge his decision to put my brother on medication. The old people (and by this, I mean the ‘conservative’ 10% of my church) control the direction of my church, and have instilled a sort of gross bias against members who have to rely on some sort of daily medication. It’s the sort of superiority complex I despise, and so when my dad stopped going to church, so did I.

I’m still spiritual, I still believe in God and the basic principles of the Christian Science Church. And Above all, I miss it. I miss going to church and having an outlet – I miss it enough to try going to church on my own for a while over the summer. I still try to read the bible lesson every Sunday.

My religion used to be a huge part of who I am, and I wish the people in charge would change their politics, so I don’t feel like I’m betraying my brother going to a place where he felt outcast. I guess if there was any point to this rather rambling blog post is the following:

-                     My crisis of faith is a crisis between what I believe and my family. They aren’t preventing me from perusing my faith, but I feel as though I’m betraying them by going.

-                     My church is shrinking at such a rate that I don’t think it will be in existence by the time I have children.

But more than that, it’s because my faith is more amorphous than the organized church really allows for, even in an apolitical church like mine. So, I continue to identify as a Christian Scientist, and I continue to not have a place or outlet to share my ideas on that faith. I continue to miss it.